Before you get excited, let me break it to you gently that I’m not referring to myself in the title.
Whilst the world goes through a global pandemic, I thought I’d truly found the royal excuse of excuses – how can I find someone when we can’t even meet people because of this lockdown?
Well apparently that’s not the case for everyone. Many people have found love and an example happens to be someone in my extended family. A whirlwind romance, which even comes with excess baggage, yet wasn’t impossible for them. So damn… what excuse do I have now?
I haven’t been feeling right for a while. I’m sure it’s because of a combination of reasons, including the pandemic, lockdown, working from home and even living by myself to a certain extent. During the first couple of months, I was doing absolutely fine; great if anything! Just like everyone else, I chilled, I spent time on my hobbies, playing games, watching all the movies and TV shows out there. I FaceTimed with family and Houseparty’d with friends. I started getting my life in check and organised different areas of my flat that I’d put off for ages. I felt pretty damn good. And this working from home malarkey wasn’t too bad either. Slightly stressful because of the amount of work that was thrown at me all of a sudden, but I was thriving under the pressure.
However, it then continued to stay that way for a while and I was working all the hours under the sun. My back was hurting and I was feeling tired all the time. I went months without any proper human contact – I only left the flat for 1 hour max per week to do a grocery shop with minimal human interaction. I started to pull away from people and hibernate. The novelty of all the lockdown cooking started to wear off and I had no motivation to do anything anymore. Many people were starting to feel the same way and I read lots of articles and saw posts on social media telling me that it’s okay to be feeling this way… but I didn’t feel okay about it.
In the earlier months, I was feeling grateful and thankful for all that I had and was counting my lucky stars for having a secure job, as well as a roof over my head with no issues paying my bills. In fact, I was saving money if anything – I even opened a new savings account. But all of a sudden, I realised I felt a lot more emotional. It really didn’t take much for my eyes to get teary. Anything from scrolling through social media, to watching movies. My emotional reaction to things that wouldn’t usually effect me, was really noticeable. I’ve become super sensitive, and not just in the sad way. I got emotional watching YouTube videos where someone could be sharing their life story; rags to riches kind of vibe, and I’ll start tearing up because I’m so happy how things have turned out for them. And I can’t control it, which weirds me out as I know I wasn’t this sensitive before.
But the one thing I’ve realised more than anything during the past year is just how much I want a companion. To share my thoughts and feelings with. Someone to hug or give me comfort when I’m feeling sad or lost. Someone to pour my love into and fuss over; share happy moments with. I’ve come across so many moments where I’ve had no one to do this with and the realisation made me feel utterly sad.
I have some of the most amazing friends and they’re beyond supportive. There are many times I’ve laid in bed, wide awake in the early hours of the morning, feeling all alone and restless. I have started typing my thoughts in a message to them, just to stop mid-way and delete it. What can they even say? They’d just suggest signing up to online dating and unintentionally trigger my insecurities on that matter, even though I know they mean well. And besides, none of them would have been awake or available at that time in the morning anyway, so what was the point?
Sometimes I have written it all down in the notes of my phone, or opened up my laptop and typed half the night away. I probably could’ve published a book by now. I’ve stopped myself from writing on this blog though because my thoughts are all jumbled up. Even now I know I’m rambling but I can’t stop myself.
Finding love during lockdown is not an easy feat, despite it happening so easily for some. It requires putting yourself out there, confronting your fears and taking a chance. Why do I feel like I’ll never be ready to do all of that? The older I get, the more depressed I feel at the thought of not finding anyone and that time is getting away from me. When will I have time to build a relationship, let alone explore the prospect of starting a family one day?
By the time I’m ‘ready’, I will be too old to go through all those trials and tribulations. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it without hearing words of encouragement, which oddly feels like the opposite of what I want to hear. Why don’t those ‘feel good’ quotes and positive vibes work on me? Am I really a pessimist or too much of a realist?
Whenever I’ve had a vulnerable moment and let slip how I’m really feeling to a friend, I receive messages or calls of shock and have to hear them scold me for even thinking this way. They tell me how beautiful I am and how I’m a great person. But why don’t I believe them? I laugh it off to change the subject, because I know they just won’t understand. Am I alone in feeling this? Does everyone else love themselves the way they say we should? So why don’t I feel like that about myself?
Please don’t misunderstand this though. I’d like to think I’m a decent person. I’ve just never received that kind of attention or affection from anyone in the form of love or even admiration in a romantic sense. Maybe that’s why I can’t see it and therefore finding it hard to believe it myself?
So you tell me… how does ‘one’ find love during lockdown when all these insecurities are messing with ‘one’s’ head?