Giving Muslim online dating a go

I did the one thing that I’ve been actively avoiding for 5+ years. I finally caved in and set up an online dating profile via one of the Muslim dating apps. And I can describe my 4 day experience in one word: ANXIETY.

I was having a deep chat with a friend and I was explaining how I felt like something was missing in my life. All the other aspects of my life seem to be on track and flourishing, but I realised this wasn’t enough. I was missing a companion to share my life with. My friend talked some sense into me, and encouraged me. What’s the worst that could happen?

So that night, I couldn’t sleep a wink. I rolled around in bed till stupid o’clock in the morning when the sun was about to rise. All of a sudden I thought, screw it, and picked up my phone. I already had the app downloaded from many years ago, but it was hidden in a folder somewhere. I opened it up and went through the painful process of registering. There’s a verification step that I wasn’t anticipating, which requires you to take a selfie there and then in order to confirm you are the person in your profile picture. I was looking like a zombie and in bed, so obviously that had to wait. So once I looked semi-human again during the day, I plucked up the courage to take that selfie and submitted it. I thought that would be the worst of it, but to be honest, the ‘tell us about yourself’ section was the hardest thing to do! I must’ve written and re-written that section at least 20 times.

How are you meant to catch someone’s attention, whilst truly being yourself and expressing the real you in a bio? The more I read bios of these potential suitors, the worse I felt. The majority of them hardly put any effort into it and basically wrote the most generic stuff. Finished with ‘just ask if you have any questions’. But why would I even bother if you haven’t got me interested at all?

There’s a ‘Liked you’ and ‘Visited you’ section, and looking at that made me feel excited… as well as truly terrified at the same time! Some of these guys were proper shockers. I mean, I am no one to judge because I’m hardly a stunner anyway. But some of these guys were saying they were 34 on their profile, but looking like they were in their late 40’s. And I know they say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover i.e. based on their looks, but you really do have to find a person somewhat attractive to give them a chance in the first place. The same applies the other way round! I can understand why not all the guys that come across my profile will give it a like – I don’t expect them to fall head over heels, especially based on my profile picture. This is also why I made the brave decision not to blur out my photo – if they’re not interested in me at all, they can skip past me and I’m none the wiser so I won’t get hurt by the rejection.

I wish someone would explain to me why guys blur their photos? I can just about understand why girls would do this as there are some real pervy men on platforms like this. But am I missing something here – why are the guys blurring their photos? Some might say it’s because they want a girl to fall in love with their personality as opposed to their looks. But if you were that good looking in the first place, I don’t know if you’d have that insecurity. I might be completely wrong or out of line here, but if this is how I’m interpreting it, then surely I can’t be the only one thinking this? What happens if a guy gets talking to the girl and really hitting it off, but then they exchange photos and she says ‘sorry, I’m just not attracted to you’? Wouldn’t that be a shame and a waste of both of their time? Obviously this isn’t always going to be the case, but it’s something I wish more of the guys would consider. If you become a paid member of the app, then you can filter it to remove the profiles with blurred photos. But what if you miss out on decent people just because they didn’t consider the consequences of choosing that option?

Anyway, carrying on with my rant (if you’ve made it this far, I hope you’re enjoying it). I do not understand why people select ‘business person’ as their profession. Why is that an option? What does that even mean? If you run your own business, then you’re self-employed. Why have both? Then there’s hospitality and restaurants as an option, alongside catering. Again, they’re the same industry. Either way, I automatically dismiss those profiles. And the reason behind this is because I don’t want me and my husband to be like passing ships in the night. I work during the day, and working in hospitality requires working in the evenings and weekends. I am not about that life, so that is one of my hard no’s when it comes to criteria. Other than that, I don’t mind whatever profession they’re in. I’m just aware that I have worked long and hard to make my way up the career ladder and earn a decent salary, so I don’t know what the sentiment is these days if the wife is potentially earning more than the husband. In theory this shouldn’t be an issue in this day and age, but the truth is, as I am generally starting my search looking at Bangladeshi guys, traditionally men have had a real ego complex over things like this. I’m probably thinking too much into this, and it’s not like I’m earning millions, but it’s still something I often think about.

So here’s how it went down… I finally completed my profile. I swiped left and right a couple of times and then went to sleep because it was a bit too much for me. Next morning I wake up to all these notifications! It was a little mad, but basically the little red badge on the icon showed X number of people had ‘liked me’. I was in shock – how is this even possible? I tried to select a rather normal looking photo instead of one where I’m wearing a full face of make-up, so I was definitely not looking ‘my best’, whatever that is. So I opened the app, whilst fearing for my life, and was faced with all these ‘potential suitors’.

Here’s the thing, although it’s a nice feeling to think someone liked you enough to give you a like, I promised myself to not take it too seriously or to heart because I don’t want to get upset or excited over this. That’s when I started to feel odd… it was a different level of apprehension and it didn’t feel good. All of a sudden out of nowhere, I receive a message from a guy who’s profile I had seen the night before and given it a like. He sounded decent and fairly normal, so I didn’t think much of it. And all he had said was ‘Salam, how are you doing? x’ and I instantly had a little freakout. First of all, A BOY IS TALKING TO ME. But second, why was that ‘x’ necessary in the first message you send a girl? Again, trying not to be overly judgemental, but it threw me off a bit.

As I was having a freakout, my whole working day seemed to be a write off. I could not focus on anything, and I also couldn’t get myself to reply to his message. Should I? Shouldn’t I? What do I say? What if he asks me a difficult question? How do you talk to boys you don’t know but could potentially be your future husband? Ugh I know, I went there. All of these thoughts were going through my head for HOURS. I messaged two of my friends who were calm and asking me polite questions, when in actual fact they should’ve shouted at me for being a muppet and tell me to just message back already – it’s not that deep. A couple of hours later, I felt brave enough to click the message to reply… and he’d disappeared. Basically that means the person has either deactivated their account, or blocked you. Wow, he’d already blocked me without even talking to me. The rest of the day I was kicking myself. If I had replied in the morning, would this have been the case? Did I really mess up?

All of a sudden that night, I get a message from that guy apologising for disappearing – he said it had got hectic and he decided to deactivate his account. I was a bit surprised (how many people was he talking to?) but also a bit relieved that at least he hadn’t blocked me. And actually, this made for a good ice breaker conversation as I told him I was having my own freakout at the same time. But things got weird really quickly. Within the first couple of messages, he responded to my question about how his day was, with ‘babe’. Excuse me? Who are you calling babe? You literally don’t even know me, and we’ve exchanged 3 messages, and you’re already calling me babe. What is this? I don’t know about other girls, but I find that really uncomfortable. It set off so many warning bells for me.

He then went right in and asked me when my last relationship was (ummm never) and what my type was. Maybe I’m a bit naive so I thought he meant personality type. But no, he meant physical type. Isn’t it a bit weird to ask someone this 2 mins into a conversation via messages? Anyway, after that he cut to the chase and basically asked if I wanted to speak on the phone. At this point I think I already knew he was a weirdo and probably a serial dater, so I didn’t respond straight away. It was really late and I was getting ready for bed. I came back to his message to respond with basically thanks, but no thanks, but he had disappeared again – as in our message history was gone and his profile was missing too. So it was clear that he had most likely blocked me. Wow. Good riddance I say.

This interaction left me feeling strange – mostly uncomfortable. Every time I logged into the app and saw the new faces appear on these lists, I was full of dread and this other feeling, which I later realised was anxiety. There’s also another list on the app called ‘liked’ and that is basically a list of any profiles that you have liked. I had 4 people on there… and none of them liked me back. Ah well, such is life. It’s a tough one because I haven’t had any interactions with them, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel a tad disappointed. But annoyingly, you can also see the last time they were on the app, and I hated myself so checking that!

I saw someone decent had liked my profile, and after a lot of thought I decided to like them back. We got a celebratory message flash on the screen to say we’d matched, and it was a really weird feeling. Anticipation, excitement… FEAR. I closed the app quickly and went to sleep. The next morning I decided to click that ‘you’ve matched’ message, and guess what? The guy had disappeared. I’ll admit, I was a little sad at first, but then I realised I wasn’t confident enough to start a conversation anyway. What if they wanted to do a video call down the line and didn’t like what they saw? Yes, I have 101 insecurities about my external appearance, which won’t go away. So in a sense, it was for the best.

I checked the app one last time tonight before bed (why do I do this to myself?), and was just unimpressed. The app was pushing all the older people who had ‘liked me’ initially and I couldn’t handle that anxious feeling so I made a decision. I deactivated my account and logged out. The up and down feelings I felt in these 4 days was a bit too much for me to handle. I haven’t deleted my account though, and I have the intention to get back on it at some point. But right now, my heart can’t cope with this level of anxiety. Maybe I’ll post an update on here when I’m back on it… or maybe I won’t. So don’t hold your breath!

Finding Love During Lockdown

Before you get excited, let me break it to you gently that I’m not referring to myself in the title.

Whilst the world goes through a global pandemic, I thought I’d truly found the royal excuse of excuses – how can I find someone when we can’t even meet people because of this lockdown?

Well apparently that’s not the case for everyone. Many people have found love and an example happens to be someone in my extended family. A whirlwind romance, which even comes with excess baggage, yet wasn’t impossible for them. So damn… what excuse do I have now?

I haven’t been feeling right for a while. I’m sure it’s because of a combination of reasons, including the pandemic, lockdown, working from home and even living by myself to a certain extent. During the first couple of months, I was doing absolutely fine; great if anything! Just like everyone else, I chilled, I spent time on my hobbies, playing games, watching all the movies and TV shows out there. I FaceTimed with family and Houseparty’d with friends. I started getting my life in check and organised different areas of my flat that I’d put off for ages. I felt pretty damn good. And this working from home malarkey wasn’t too bad either. Slightly stressful because of the amount of work that was thrown at me all of a sudden, but I was thriving under the pressure.

However, it then continued to stay that way for a while and I was working all the hours under the sun. My back was hurting and I was feeling tired all the time. I went months without any proper human contact – I only left the flat for 1 hour max per week to do a grocery shop with minimal human interaction. I started to pull away from people and hibernate. The novelty of all the lockdown cooking started to wear off and I had no motivation to do anything anymore. Many people were starting to feel the same way and I read lots of articles and saw posts on social media telling me that it’s okay to be feeling this way… but I didn’t feel okay about it.

In the earlier months, I was feeling grateful and thankful for all that I had and was counting my lucky stars for having a secure job, as well as a roof over my head with no issues paying my bills. In fact, I was saving money if anything – I even opened a new savings account. But all of a sudden, I realised I felt a lot more emotional. It really didn’t take much for my eyes to get teary. Anything from scrolling through social media, to watching movies. My emotional reaction to things that wouldn’t usually effect me, was really noticeable. I’ve become super sensitive, and not just in the sad way. I got emotional watching YouTube videos where someone could be sharing their life story; rags to riches kind of vibe, and I’ll start tearing up because I’m so happy how things have turned out for them. And I can’t control it, which weirds me out as I know I wasn’t this sensitive before.

But the one thing I’ve realised more than anything during the past year is just how much I want a companion. To share my thoughts and feelings with. Someone to hug or give me comfort when I’m feeling sad or lost. Someone to pour my love into and fuss over; share happy moments with. I’ve come across so many moments where I’ve had no one to do this with and the realisation made me feel utterly sad.

I have some of the most amazing friends and they’re beyond supportive. There are many times I’ve laid in bed, wide awake in the early hours of the morning, feeling all alone and restless. I have started typing my thoughts in a message to them, just to stop mid-way and delete it. What can they even say? They’d just suggest signing up to online dating and unintentionally trigger my insecurities on that matter, even though I know they mean well. And besides, none of them would have been awake or available at that time in the morning anyway, so what was the point?

Sometimes I have written it all down in the notes of my phone, or opened up my laptop and typed half the night away. I probably could’ve published a book by now. I’ve stopped myself from writing on this blog though because my thoughts are all jumbled up. Even now I know I’m rambling but I can’t stop myself.

Finding love during lockdown is not an easy feat, despite it happening so easily for some. It requires putting yourself out there, confronting your fears and taking a chance. Why do I feel like I’ll never be ready to do all of that? The older I get, the more depressed I feel at the thought of not finding anyone and that time is getting away from me. When will I have time to build a relationship, let alone explore the prospect of starting a family one day?

By the time I’m ‘ready’, I will be too old to go through all those trials and tribulations. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it without hearing words of encouragement, which oddly feels like the opposite of what I want to hear. Why don’t those ‘feel good’ quotes and positive vibes work on me? Am I really a pessimist or too much of a realist?

Whenever I’ve had a vulnerable moment and let slip how I’m really feeling to a friend, I receive messages or calls of shock and have to hear them scold me for even thinking this way. They tell me how beautiful I am and how I’m a great person. But why don’t I believe them? I laugh it off to change the subject, because I know they just won’t understand. Am I alone in feeling this? Does everyone else love themselves the way they say we should? So why don’t I feel like that about myself?

Please don’t misunderstand this though. I’d like to think I’m a decent person. I’ve just never received that kind of attention or affection from anyone in the form of love or even admiration in a romantic sense. Maybe that’s why I can’t see it and therefore finding it hard to believe it myself?

So you tell me… how does ‘one’ find love during lockdown when all these insecurities are messing with ‘one’s’ head?

Marriage Pressure: The bubble has burst

When things are going a bit too smoothly with my parents, I am always anxious rather than happy. It’s really sad, but it’s the truth. I always go on about the calm before the storm, and the storm has well and truly arrived.

During this lockdown period in the UK, I hadn’t been able to see my family. I’ve lived a fairly independent life since moving to London many years ago, so I wasn’t too bothered about it. And besides, I spoke to them on the phone or video called them all the time anyway. But as uncertainty grew around the world, it really did bring people together. All of a sudden my weekly calls home turned into pretty much daily calls, which is completely unheard of from me. I slowly started to get closer to my mum and we’d have long conversations on the phone, discussing the local situation and also what we’re cooking and eating from the only food available in our local supermarkets. It sound’s odd, but I started to tell her more about my day-to-day life, even about boring and useless stuff.

You may not know this but I’ve never been close to my parents. They only know the absolute basic things about me and I never embellish on details. Then I got a bit lax, forgetting that we weren’t in ‘normal’ times and not realising that it will come back to bite me in the arse one day.

Fast forward to a few days after Eid, I’m feeling good and happy because life was slowly going back to some level of lockdown normality now that Ramadan was over. But then all of a sudden, I get a call from my mum in the middle of the day. This never happens as we only speak in the evenings, so I was worried something was wrong. I pick up feeling apprehensive, and oh boy was I right to be feeling that way.

I was verbally attacked and it came out of nowhere. It started with asking how I am and what I’m doing, and I innocently boasted about my lie-in that morning (the first one in months after some restless nights) and how I was making lunch when she called. And all of a sudden she turned on me.

She threw questions at me like ‘what are you doing with your life? When are you going to get married? Do you not care about your future – look at how old you are! Don’t you know how stressed we are because of you?’

I was silent. How do you even respond to that? You have to know when to pick and choose your battles in life. I was taken aback and upset, and could have easily responded aggressively, but I chose to stay quiet, which only encouraged her to keep going on. She emphasised my faults and flaws, and told me that she will happily get my younger siblings married off before me. For those who aren’t familiar with the Bengali culture, although it can be different for guys and girls, in general people tend to get married in age order.

This wasn’t a completely new ‘conversation’ for me though. Sadly I’ve heard this all before, but this time it stung me a little harder for some reason. Maybe because I knew she had a point… what was I doing with my life? I’m not even against marriage – I do want to get married. But if you read my previous post, you’ll see I hadn’t been in a good place until recently. Maybe that’s why it hurt – she threw the things I’d told her over the last few months in my face and used it against me to point out that I’m living a selfish life, i.e. just living a normal life like everyone else except for the fact I’m not married yet.

The icing on the cake, and the cherry on top too, was the point where she threatened me. ‘Either find someone soon or we will find someone and you have to marry that person no matter what – you have no choice’.

Ummm… okay mum, whatever you say.

At that moment I was ready to hang up the phone. But being the respectful Bangladeshi daughter I’ve been brought up to be, of course I couldn’t do that. I just grit my teeth and said nothing. I felt a different level of sadness and disappointment, rather than anger. It’s taken many years to build respect and an understanding with my mum. I’d say 10+ years of trying to be treated like an adult, an equal. Also broaden her mind and change her old school way of thinking and that backwards mentality towards the role of woman in society. And we really had made some incredible progress. But it just took two seconds for her to wipe it all away and revert back to being that small minded person she once was.

I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest with you. I knew it was all too good to be true. The calmness, no drama, feeling happy and content with the state of our relationship. I felt stupid for letting my guard down. Why did I voluntarily invite her into my day-to-day life? Just so she could compile a list and throw it back in my face someday?

I know it might seem like I’m overreacting, but only I am to blame for getting carried away with wanting to build a nice, healthy relationship with my parents. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t have a bad one, just not a close one. Over the lockdown period, whilst everyone went home to be with family and shared more about their life online, it made me realise how different my life and relationship is with my family. I always say we’re a tight knit family… but are we really?

In all honesty, I do get where my mum is coming from. It’s a place of frustration, but also fear. I know she’s thinking about me and my future, but she just doesn’t know how to express it in a non-offensive and not so hurtful way. Of course I understand the stress they must feel to have an unmarried daughter in her 30’s showing no signs of moving onto the ‘next stage’ of her life. I’m sure it’s even more frustrating for them because they aren’t in control of my life. I moved out of home in my early 20’s, and nearly 9 years on, I’m still not married. But the thing is, I have made progress in my life, a lot of it actually. I’ve gained a huge amount of experience and built a career. I’ve travelled the world and learnt so much from all the people I’ve met along the way; I’ve grown as a person. But sadly, this isn’t enough in the Bangladeshi society. Unless you follow that typical path set by others, you’re not seen to be on the right course in life.

Important things in life

I started writing a post in May 2019, but then my life took a turn and I never finished it. So another year on, I want to pick it up again and give you a life update of some sort.

I’m sorry to anyone who’s been following my journey for a good couple of years and also to the few that reached out for an update – I didn’t mean to disappear this long. Time really does fly by, whether you’re having fun or not. I can’t believe my last post was nearly 2 years ago… what have I been doing?

Once I brought myself back from the deep, dark hole that I was in a couple of years ago, my life really did turn around. I was in a really bad place and I’d hit rock bottom. And I think I’m only able to talk about it comfortably now because I’m not there anymore (rock bottom, that is). Do you know the feeling of despair? To have no hope and be at a complete loss? I truly hope you don’t, because it really is the worst thing to experience in your life. I was feeling extremely sad and so alone, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it; I couldn’t see a way out.

I was really struggling work-wise and it wasn’t looking good. I feared I might even have to move back home, which for anyone who knows me, knows that’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I was filled with anxiety, I closed myself off from the world. But all of a sudden, I felt like someone threw me a lifeline out of nowhere. I managed to get myself a really good job, with an incredible boss and team. I started to feel respected and valued again and my self-esteem grew little by little. I honestly can’t begin to tell you how low my confidence was… I couldn’t believe how these people were hanging onto every piece of advice I gave or recommendations I made. It’s crazy how things can change in a blink of an eye. But it also made me appreciate things in my life so much more.

You get to a point in your life when you realise what’s really important to you, and it can hit you really hard in the feels. I don’t know if it’s just my age or what, but I’ve realised that I tend to draw more meaning from things I come across in my daily life now too. But my experience of hitting rock bottom allowed me to be more grateful for what I have, especially for the things I’d probably taken for granted before. I also became closer with my extended family. Life is funny like that; it takes a major life event to make us hold our loved ones closer.

As I was reading my old posts, I realised I’ve been talking about the same thing for years. Reading my post about insecurities from 2016 really surprised me. I don’t even remember writing all that, but I’m glad I did, because some things have certainly changed for the better and I’d really like to update you on that. I mentioned 4 main things – career, money, confidence and appearance.

Let me start off by saying that I am still not married. But this is mainly because I’ve been going through some things that pushed marriage right to the bottom of my priority list (as always). Although, I am also a couple of years older now, so it’s not a good look for me really… but here we are as some things never change. I do still want to get married, but I’m also incredibly freaked out about the whole process of looking for a partner. I don’t know if I can put myself through it.

However, I can happily tell you that my career is on the up and I am really content with where I am right now. The world may be falling apart around me (literally with the pandemic in full force), but my interesting and secure job is still in tact and I feel loved and valued by my work family (although I’m not so sure about my actual family…).

Money wise, alhamdulillah I am doing well now. It wasn’t looking good over the last few years because of my job being all over the place, but I’m in a really good place now. I might not have the money to even think about throwing a wedding, but I’m not struggling either. I’ve also been incredibly lucky to have gone on several amazing holidays where I was able to enjoy myself to the fullest without worrying about money at all. Oh how things have changed!

My confidence however is questionable… some days I feel like a strong, independent woman who has the world well in her grasp. But other days I feel pretty worthless. It’s just one of those things I have to continue to work on and it really can change daily.

But ultimately, the one thing that hasn’t changed is my feelings towards my appearance. My appearance has changed in the sense that I am certainly a bit older. But how has it been 4 years and I still haven’t done anything about this – especially how I feel about it anyway! I think I’m very good at ignoring the problem sometimes (read: most of the time). It’s easier to pretend you’re too busy, than to actually look the problem in the face. I know what I need to do, but I just don’t want to do it. Life is hard already, why would I make it harder for myself?

Sadly the world continues to move on whether you’re ready to do the same or not. My younger cousins are all steadily getting married off one by one, and as always, I am full of dread and anxiety thinking about what that means for me. But am I doing anything about it? The answer is a big fat NO.

So really and truly, have I made much progress since my last post…? No, not that much. Damn, other than feeling old as hell, I am still running away from responsibilities. Can’t I just remain in my content, oblivious bubble for a little bit longer?

You just wait until my mum is back on my case! She’s been too quiet, and too good to me, for far too long. We haven’t had any family drama in a while, so this news of another cousin getting married (who is 7 years younger than me) is about to kick things off nicely. Battle mode: ON.

Feeling lonely (and old)

I’ve got all the ‘feels’ today, so I feel a rambly post coming on. I’ve had a pretty terrible week, worse than all the bad weeks I’ve experienced in a while. You know, when one thing goes wrong after another?

I’d had a long and exhausting day and I was on my way home on the tube, standing up amongst the commuters rammed in the carriage. And all of a sudden, I felt really lonely. I was surrounded by people and felt like I had no one to lean on. And that’s when I thought ‘I could really do with a hug right now’. 

I know it sounds so random, and I always hug my family and friends whenever I see them, but it wasn’t what I wanted. Can you ever ‘miss’ something you’ve never had? It’s at that point I thought ‘this is the time I wish I had a partner who I could go to for a big fat hug, bury my head in their chest and hide from the world, whilst they reassured me that everything will be alright’.

I feel really weird writing this, but I have a feeling it’s something that people don’t tend to talk about but will be able to relate to. Maybe the right word to use here is companionship. Someone who is always in my corner, who has my back and is my little cheerleader in everything I do.  

I know the simple answer to this problem would be to put myself out there and take this whole ‘looking for a life partner’ thing seriously. But I still have all those demons to deal with before I can even begin with the search. I’ll also admit that I’m a bit scared. I don’t take rejection or disappointment well. I know no one really does, but I have a feeling I will take it to heart, maybe a bit too much when I’m already feeling vulnerable. 

When I was talking about all those people (including myself) who pretend that everything is okay, I mentioned how I find it hard to talk to people about my problems. And I found this to be extremely problematic this week. I was going through a lot, and I know my friends are here for me, but I also know they have a lot on their own plates right now. So I didn’t want to add to this. And just how others sharing their problems with me eventually became a stress in my life, I didn’t want to become that person to them.

So here’s some real talk, I’m no spring chicken. A milestone is fast approaching, and I’ve been reading some of my old posts and realised I’m still moaning about the same things from 3+ years ago! I need to get a grip, haha!

Whilst hearing about some scandalous news from my hometown (so and so being in a secret relationship and whatnot), my mother decided to turn on me. She goes ‘when are you going to get married? You’re not getting any younger, don’t you care about your future?’. Oh mother, if only you knew.

I managed to dodge the bullet, as usual, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be safe for. She has a point, and also has the right to ask. I’m just the one who doesn’t have an answer for her. I do feel sorry for my parents to be honest. They’re still waiting for me to sort my life out, after so many years of waiting already. And even though they give me a hard time now and again, I understand it could be far worse. When you have younger siblings ‘of age’ at home and you’re the one that’s causing the bottle neck effect, the pressure is on another level. I’ve become very good at burying my head in the sand, so I’ve continued to do so. But now I’m feeling old and tired.

My actions and words don’t add up. I want a partner, but I don’t want to do anything about it. Feeling lonely sucks, but then I find a distraction and get over it (until the next time). I have a dream, that I eventually find ‘my person’. We respect each other, support each other, care for each other’s family and friends and live a simple, but happy life; full of travel and laughter. I know everyone dreams of the whole package, but to be honest with you (and I’m not just saying this to sound like a ‘great’ person), but I really don’t care about the materialistic things – house, car, latest gadgets, etc. Sure, having a nice place to live would be pretty sweet, but if I can travel and see the world, or even live abroad with my partner instead, then that would make me the happiest person.

I watched something recently where a very wise person said, look for qualities in a partner like you would look for in a roommate. Someone you could live with harmoniously, where you respect and are considerate of each other, rather than going by looks and credentials. And that is probably the most enlightening thing I have heard in a while. It’s so simple, but true. I don’t even want to get started on the criteria that Bengali parents have in mind for their children. This Bengali society we live in goes by the exact opposite of these teachings, and that makes me sad.

Now, where is this person I’m looking for? This is probably where I should insert the cheeky wink emoji or something, but in all seriousness, I hope to find this poor sod person soon!

Showing-off and pretending… where do we draw the line?

Those who are familiar with the Bengali culture will probably be aware of the notion of showing-off, or pretending that we’re doing better than we actually are. It’s something I’ve seen happen in my own family as well as others, from the beginning of time. In fact, you see it in your day-to-day life outside of this culture as well. Some good examples would be where a mum exaggerates her child’s success and achievements, just to make it out as if her child is a genuis and better than other people’s kids. Or when people get into crippling debt whilst throwing the most lavish wedding, just to show off to their family and friends that they can ‘afford’ the finer things in life.

Unfortunately, this has just become the norm, but it has lead to my distaste of this behaviour, which has been building up inside of me for a while. This isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned this in my posts. But it’s only recently that I realised just how tired I am of keeping up appearances. I didn’t even realise how much this behaviour was ingrained in me. People pretend to be okay when they’re not, pretty much every single day. Some people feel like there’s no point in sharing the truth with others because they ‘won’t get it’, or it’s just the sheer energy that’s needed to explain your feelings. Or it can even be the fear of being judged once you reveal this.

I’m probably making this into a bigger deal than it actually is, but truthfully, I’m exhausted. Just to give you a mini life update, career-wise I wasn’t very happy at the beginning of last year. Then in the middle, things started to look up… and now we’re back to square one again. It’s the nature of the type of work I do, which isn’t something out of the ordinary or difficult, but it’s not something the older generation of Bengali’s understand. So I ‘dumb it down’ into terms they should understand, but they still don’t really get it. Basically, they’re not impressed by it or vaguely even interested. The younger generation on the other hand, think that I have the most awesome job… so go figure!

Whilst I was (and still am) going through my ups and downs, I had to always put on the brave, positive face. People are like ‘wow, she’s got a cool job and is always doing amazing things’, but what they don’t see is what is happening behind the scenes. Stress, long days, unclear career path/prospects/progression, and then me in general being a ball of mess. I’ve mentioned before how lucky I am to have such incredible friends; they are like my little supporters cheering me on from the sidelines. They are also the ones who have had a stern word or two with me to tell me to stop going overly above and beyond with little return. But they don’t entirely understand… it’s just the expectation of the field I work in. My friends have secure jobs in industries that people are more familiar with; the general 9 to 5. And I know they want the best for me, but they don’t understand why I ‘choose’ to sacrifice sleep, especially for those who may not appreciate my hard work.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is, it got to a stage where I felt like I couldn’t complain or have a moan about my situation anymore. People think the answer is to find a way out. They’ll say things like ‘why don’t you look for another job that’s more 9 to 5 and less stressful?’. Again, I know they mean well, but if that’s their answer, I’m not interested. This is when the mask comes on. Unfortunately, this has meant I’ve had to do this in front of a few friends too. Overtime, I naturally started to put the mask on in front of everyone. People ask me how I’m doing, and I only talk about the good and exciting stuff because I don’t want to go into it.

However, I’m just tired now. I’ve always had to be like this with my family since the day I moved out, because if my parents got a whiff of struggle or weakness, it could be used against me at a later date. They may even see this as an opportunity to take back some control of my life, and there’s no way I’m letting that happen. But when you do this in front of friends, they understandably think that everything is okay.

I’ve always been the listener and advice giver in my friendship circle. I had to mature very fast growing up, so I’ve always observed everyone around me and learnt from their life choices; even if I hadn’t been through those situations myself. People tell me that they feel comforted by my words and advice, and show real appreciation, which felt pretty damn good… until it didn’t.

A handful of my good friends, those who happen to be a few years younger than me, are going through things that I’ve been through myself or have a good understanding of. They turn to me for advice, which brings them comfort. When they said they felt happier after talking to me, or felt enlightened in some way (sorry, I’m not trying to sound big headed here – these are literally their words), I used to thrive off this. And after a while, I realised it was happening more and more. And then I was going through all of my own crap, but I didn’t feel like I could talk to them about it, especially as they looked up to me. It lead to me pretending that everything is great with me and I am always here for them. But the truth was, I was getting more and more stressed out.

It was the same group of ‘repeat offenders’, and in a way, I felt a sense of responsibility towards them. Overtime, I became their mother-like figure (again, their words) and so I went above and beyond to hear them out, work with them to find solutions, and put an action plan together, with me doing the final checks and prepping them to tackle the issues they faced. I have invested a lot of time and effort into them, at the expense of my own happiness and wellbeing. I get this from my mum; she puts peoples wants and needs before hers. Sometimes we couldn’t understand why she would go out of her way to do something for someone who’s not even close to her, but she loves it. And I realised it’s the same thrill that I get from helping others.

But the truth is, it started to effect me negatively. I ended up taking on other people’s stress, on top of my own, and that’s really not healthy. It also lead to me not looking forward to catching up with certain individuals, and in the end, feeling a sense of resentment. And I hate myself for feeling this way, because it’s not their fault. They have no idea what’s going on with me, because I’m the one that kept it to myself. But I found that I started to dislike talking to people in general, and just didn’t keep in touch with my friends as often, and then slowly started to pull away from being the usual me. Some people noticed and checked in on me, whilst others were busy with their own lives. It’s only when my best friend told me that I need to stop prioritising other people’s problem over mine, that’s when I realised this was a problem. Up until that point, I was a ball of mess on the inside and couldn’t understand why.

I don’t know how I ended up like this, it just happened gradually until it became all consuming. Just having that one conversation where I confessed how I’d truly been feeling, changed everything. She made me see what I was doing to myself and how other people’s problems aren’t my problems. I know it seems obvious, but when you’re in it, you can’t see it. It just made me wonder why I had done this for so long and pretended to be okay? I personally feel like it’s slightly a cultural thing… pride. You only show your best side. But what has this cost me?

In my last post, I spoke about how much pressure I felt after being called a role model. I wasn’t doing that well, so I didn’t feel like I deserved that title. So now I understand why I felt this way.

This has unintentionally turned into a long post, but my question to you is, why do we (or you) pretend that everything is okay? Why do we show-off even when we don’t have the means to? I’m curious to know if you relate to this topic.

Role Model

I heard some words today that really touched my heart and I didn’t know how to process it. It’s not every day that you hear someone say that you’re their role model. I was quite taken aback and not quite sure what to say or do.

I have a young, impressionable relative, who has a heart of gold. At a very young age, she’s had to mature very fast and become a support for her family. Her and her siblings have been through things that no kid should ever have to experience, yet they have made it out of this awful situation, stronger than ever, and are continuing to live their life really well. And most importantly, growing up to be great human beings. I really admire these kids. Not only that, on top of the pressure of school and college, they’re pursuing hobbies, teaching themselves skills and putting themselves out there. These kids are truly a force to be reckoned with and are actually a huge inspiration to me. They are half my age and already are these amazing, kind and thoughtful people, even after going through so much. I often think, if they can achieve all of this despite everything they’ve been through, then I have to try to be at least half as good as them, which spurs me to keep going. Honestly, I can’t praise them enough.

So when I heard about this particular conversation from someone, I automatically choked up. It’s very easy for people to say things they don’t mean these days, whether it’s good or bad. But when you know they genuinely mean it, you feel quite wonderful… and a little bit scared.

This kid told her mum that she looks up to me. She said that the fact that I work hard for what I’m passionate about, and despite being a ‘brown asian girl’, I moved away from home to pursue a career and do what makes me happy; she really admires me. Her and her siblings are looking forward to the day I get married, because I’m a really good person. I’m her role model…

I mean, how can I not get emotional after hearing that?

I went through many tough hurdles in my life a few years ago when I was searching for my happiness. I had to break away from cultural norms and fight for my rights. And then over the years I’ve had many ups and downs, but you kind of get busy with life and end up losing that sense of purpose. And now as I get closer to another milestone, I am anticipating tough times ahead – the pressure of marriage. So I often reflect on my life and wonder, what have I achieved? Have I been making the right choices? Am I a good person? Am I happy?

To then hear these kind words… I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was incredibly lovely to hear that there are people out there who think I’m doing a good job in life. But to be 100% honest with you, I really don’t think I’ve been doing that well. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you will know that I’ve been struggling quite a bit with so many insecurities. Not forgetting the pressure that a family naturally puts on an unmarried ‘girl of age’; I’ve felt suffocated at times. The thought of being this beautiful kid’s role model just scares me. I feel a pressure to live up to this title, yet I know I am lacking in so many ways. I don’t see myself as ‘successful’, I just feel like I’m bumbling through life.

If only this wasn’t an anonymous blog, I would share this post with her too. She is the one that people should be admiring, not the other way round. I truly believe that kids these days are so much smarter and more empathetic than my peers and I were at her age. They see the world in a different way and I admire that sparkle in their eyes. I need to get me some of that!

Other people’s pain

I read a really disturbing, but true, story about a Bangladeshi girl who was domestically abused by her husband, mother-in-law and brother-in-law. It was on another level. She was brave enough to share her story with the world, but even braver to show the face behind it. No matter how many words I write in this post, nothing will express how shocking her experience was.

When I watched an interview she’d done for TV, I couldn’t fathom how such a beautiful, strong and confident woman had gone through all of that. She explained that she had been brought up to be a strong woman all her life, so hearing how she reacted uncharacteristically to everything that happened after marriage, just didn’t make any sense to me. She just lost herself.

But when you really think about it, unless you’ve been through it, you have no idea what goes through someone’s mind when in a situation like that. From what I can understand, you love someone with all your heart and soul, and thought they loved you too. Then all of a sudden they get violent and abusive and lash out, then quickly realising this could get ugly, they apologise in a way that seems so genuine… only to go and repeat it over and over again. You then have a million and one thoughts running through your head, whilst feeling like your world has stopped at the same time. You don’t want to admit the reality of the situation to yourself and make excuses, for both the abuser and abusee.

The sad thing about this is that I believe that culture and the society we live in play a huge part in this. She probably couldn’t help but think of the dreaded ‘what would people say’ if she had then left her husband and when these ‘people’ found out, what impact that would have on her and her family’s lives. Not wanting people to know that she’d had a failed marriage, not wanting to have to start from the bottom again. Feeling like the world is collapsing around her.

This is only how I imagine she felt. I haven’t been through it myself, so I would never be able to understand it fully. But there are parts that I can see as clear as day, because we belong to the same culture, which I despise sometimes.

The pressure of keeping up appearences in front of people who do and don’t matter is immense in the Bangladeshi culture. You can’t show that you’re suffering, so you have to keep on, keeping on. You need your loved ones to think that you’re doing well, and you need outsiders to think that you’re living the life! The burden of this pressure is so heavy, that you end up losing yourself. In that instance, it’s so easy to forget who you are, what you wanted to achieve in life and what makes you truly happy. You’re made to feel like you are worthless.

Now, I’m talking about a different aspect of my personal life, but this is something I could relate to and it pained me to read. Halfway through her story, I had to stop and take a breather. It was just too much to bare. How could one person tolerate that much abuse on a daily basis? How is it possible for these evil, conniving, disgusting people to exist in this world and call themselves human beings, let alone muslims?

Everything that is wrong with this culture’s expectations on marriage is in this story. From the ridiculous expectations on her to be the perfect wife, to them mentally and physically abusing her and thinking that it’s their right to do so. None of it should have happened, but it did, because the culture (and religion to a certain extent) allowed it.

Just a few weeks ago, I watched a BBC documentary about a Pakistani Muslim woman who was exploring the expectations put on muslim women when it came to marriage and independance. And I wasn’t shocked to find that I could relate to practically everything she said; from how she felt the pressures to be a good daughter and not let her parents down, to wanting to do what makes her happy whilst being respectful of her religion. It was evident that parents enforce the rules of culture quite heavily, to the point that it overtakes the importance of religion. But this isn’t anything new, this is something I talk about all the time.

Thinking back to the domestic abuse story, at first I was adament that I would not have handled the situation like that if it were me. I’m a strong, independent woman who knows enough to realise my own worth and the respect I deserve. But it made me think… didn’t this Bengali girl also think this about herself before she got married?

Regardless, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have let it get this far, but I also understand and appreciate that everyone is different. I think another thing to bare in mind is the fact that she was still fairly young when she was going through this ordeal, so probably wasn’t as worldy as she is now. I know myself well enough to know I wouldn’t stand for this behaviour, but I also appreciate the fact that I seem to be quite a few years older than her, so it’s only natural to become wiser with (old) age. You see and hear all sorts – you learn from other people’s stories and pain.

I really respect her for speaking out and sharing her pain with strangers, because it helps people, who are suffering in silence, realise that there is hope out there. And I genuinely wish that people who are going through tough times, gain the strength to reach out and not suffer alone. It can take just one call, message or email to turn your life around. You can read her story on her blog.

When I started this blog a few years ago, I didn’t expect a single person to read it. In fact, I didn’t tell anyone about it or share it on any social media platforms. But miraculously, people came across it, and not only that, they took the time and effort to reach out to me and tell me that I’m not alone. They even shared their stories with me, which made me feel truly touched and I was definitely taken aback. I never intended for this to be a regular blog (as you can tell), only just an outlet for me to share my thoughts when I felt like I couldn’t talk to the people around me. I’m blessed to have such great people in my life, but even then, I felt alone. And writing a blog post to ‘nobody’ was the only way I felt I could let out my inner thoughts and insecurities.

I’m still shocked when people send me messages, especially when they say that reading something that I had written on a whim had helped them; I just don’t know how to react. It made me appreciate the power of communication. If my ramblings could help you come out of a unpleasant situation, then I am more grateful to you than you are to me, because YOU found me. You have already done more than I did when I was suffering, so I just want to say a big thank you to all of my readers. I’m sorry I’m not a good enough blogger, but I’m grateful to you for making my life shine a little brighter.

Life update: summer has passed and winter has arrived

The summer has passed and winter has arrived… and I haven’t updated this blog in nearly a year! What have I been doing with my life? I have to admit, I went through some dark times earlier this year. I can’t really say 2017 has been a good year for me, but it’s certainly looking up, so I’ll try to keep this in mind whenever I feel down thinking about the past.

I’ve actually written several posts, which are saved in my drafts and probably won’t get published. It’s weird reading them back when so much has changed, except for one thing. I’m still nowhere near the point of getting married, nor have I started looking.

I don’t feel stressed about it like I did before though, but it’s obviously something that’s always at the back of my mind. Over the last year, several relatives and family friends have got married. I had to attend two weddings as they were of my cousins, otherwise no one would’ve seen me anywhere near one of those celebrations. I tried to dodge and run away from any relatives who had that inquisitive look in their eyes when approaching me. I knew exactly what they wanted to talk about. In other words, what they wanted to grill me about. I learnt my lesson at the first wedding where a relative, quite bluntly and harshly, asked me, ‘Aren’t you ashamed?’.

‘Ashamed of what?’ you ask…? Oh, just the fact that the kid getting married is 5 years younger and that I had the audacity to show my old, unmarried face, without looking embarrassed. I know… just wow. I really didn’t see this direct blow coming. I just turned around and said no I’m not, and that if it’s a problem, then I won’t bother turning up to the next one. That left me with a horrible feeling that night.

Just like I’ve explained in previous posts, I’m not against marriage. In fact, I want to get married. But I had to sort out other aspects of my life first before even thinking about it. This is how I process things and deal with life. Everyone works differently. It’s not even like I tried and failed – I just haven’t been looking. And yes, I know I’m getting old and that I should get a move on. But you know what? I have stopped caring what other people think.

Although, I know I constantly contradict myself. I see everyone around me getting married, buying houses, having babies. And then here I am – nothing has changed. But I’m happy (mostly). I am living a good life right now. And I don’t even mean a crazy one. My life is just as simple (read: boring) as most people’s. It consists of 80% work, 10% ‘fun’, 5% spending time with family and the final 5%, hiding from the world. Most of my time and energy goes into work, because a girl’s got to work to live!

But with a blink of an eye, I’m already nearing the big dreaded milestone and now I’m like… shit.

How did this even happen? One minute ago, I was fresh faced, young and naive. I moved to the city to follow my dreams, thinking it would be just like the movies. Instead, I bumbled through life and here we are, many years later. My best friend always helps me put things into perspective though. It’s easy to sit here and dwell on all the lost opportunities and cry over the fact that I haven’t achieved anything. But then she snaps me out of it (she’d slap me if she could) and reminds me of all the things that I HAVE achieved and how much I’ve gained from that. Everybody needs a best friend like that – someone who can bring you back down to earth and reality.

Anyway, the takeaway from this story is that nothing has changed, but a lot has changed. I’m working towards being happy and content with myself first, before looking for a partner in crime.

The marriage trend… has it skipped a generation?

I’ve been quiet for a while, so apologies for that. But recently I’ve noticed a lot more marriage announcements happening amongst my family and relatives. The majority of these people happen to be much younger than me, which isn’t that surprising seeing as I’m now technically in my late 20’s. Whereas these young’uns are in their early to mid 20’s.

But it got me thinking; has the marriage trend, or the need to get married, skipped a generation? I took a moment to step back and analyse my peers; people who I grew up with in the Muslim/Bangladeshi community. We are the generation who seemed to be the first ones in our families to actively pursue education and a career. Some of us are even the first to go to university out of all of our family and relatives. A lot of us have also steadily and somewhat successfully climbed the career ladder. Although a fair few of the people my age I’m referring to happen to be guys, I’ve noticed that a lot of them in this age bracket are still unmarried. I know guys tend to get married a little later than girls, but it doesn’t seem to make much difference in this case.

I still don’t understand how I’m so different from my siblings. My younger siblings are now ‘of age’ according to my mother, so the pressure is on, more than ever. And after many deep and intense conversations I’ve had with my siblings, I still can’t quite believe how ready and open they are to the prospect of getting married fairly soon. At their age, I was fighting for my right to pursue a career and live an independent life. I was seriously pushing back because I felt like I had so much more to achieve before I got married. But these kids, they seem to lack any serious ambition.

I’ve spent many nights discussing their aims and goals in life, and have been stumped when I discovered they don’t really have any. What has drastically changed for them to be like this? Or am I the abnormal one, being selfish for wanting to lead my life with a purpose different from those set by my parents and society?

I’ve noticed another trend; people my age are being ‘skipped’ and their younger siblings are getting married before them. This makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle; on one hand, I’m open to marriage but don’t feel like I’m ready just yet. On the other hand, I feel like time is running out and that my parents will just ‘skip’ past me and get my younger siblings married off before me. The reason why this makes me feel uneasy is because there is a stigma attached to this. If you’re older and unmarried, then surely there must be something wrong with you, otherwise why wouldn’t you get married first? It’s different for guys, if they have younger siblings, especially sisters, it’s fairly normal and acceptable for them to get married off first. But for girls, they have to accept that people will be talking about them behind their back and speculating.

The final trend I want to mention is the rise of the love marriage. A lot of these young couples seem to have been in relationships for quite a few years, which is now converting into marriage. This could be for many reasons, two of which I believe are temptation and fear. Temptation being that they’re ready to take their relationship to the next level and get serious about life. Fear being the fact that they might ‘get caught’ (or already have) so needing to nip it in the bud before it gets out and causes drama in their community.

The thing that astounds me about this whole situation is the number of love marriages happening in the first place. Or maybe I’ve been blind or just naive to the fact that muslims are dating from a much younger age now. Again, as far as I can remember, people in my generation were brought up so differently, and somewhat more strictly, than this younger generation. I know I’m making myself sound like an old granny, but the truth of the matter is, even just being a few years older, I feel like I’ve had a whole different upbringing. One of which instilled the fear of my parents wrath if I were to do anything to tarnish their name and reputation.

A thing my mother instilled in me from a young age, and I hope it’s the same for my siblings, is the understanding of what’s important in life. She said how money comes and goes, but respect takes a lifetime to earn, and just a second to lose. I grew up with those values close to my heart, and everything I’ve done up until now, I’ve made sure to never do anything that could harm this. I always want my parents to be able to hold their head up high when it comes to this daughter of theirs; even if they’re stressed and embarrassed about the fact that they have an unmarried daughter in her late 20’s, living away from home and showing no sign or interest in getting married any time soon!

But the reason why I’m mentioning respect and reputation is because I have always been told to stay away from boys. Not to be seen with them in situations that can be misunderstood to mean something else. So in a sense, I had quite a strict upbringing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had guy friends, which my parents certainly knew about – I made sure of it to ensure they knew that I’m not up to no good. But this also meant that I actively avoided pursuing relationships. Not that there were many offers anyway, ha! But the truth is, relationships were just a big no. And here we are, hearing of these young couples about to get hitched, who happen to have known each other for several years (read: been in a relationship secretly for 5+ years).

All of a sudden, this is a much preferable situation to my mother, than my situation, where I’ve actually been a good, respectful daughter and avoided scandal. She has the audacity of turning around and saying ‘well at least they’re actively doing something about it and sorting it out themselves!’ I mean, can you actually believe this? I cannot fathom how this is a much better outcome and how I’m now the ‘bad’ one in this situation. Just because I haven’t had a secret boyfriend all these years? What is this nonsense!?

I will never know. But all I can say is, it’s making me feel on edge. And as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this feels like the calm before the storm. Am I alone in feeling like this?