The phrase ‘Fake it ’til you make it’ has never been more truer to me. I’ve been going through some turmoil for a while and I’m sad to inform you that I’m still going through it.
Uncertainty of the future makes everyone feel a little anxious or paranoid, but I think I’m at my peak. I’ve gone on about feeling lost, feeling pressured and especially about living up to expectations. But somehow in the past, I’ve soldiered on and found a way to get through it. But now, I’m truly at a loss. I’m out of ideas and I’m tired of hoping that things will get better. What if they won’t?
It’s hard to explain my situation without having to go into too much detail. With this being an anonymous blog, I’m wary of saying too much… what if someone I know reads it and figures out it’s me? I know that wouldn’t be the end of the world, and I also don’t talk about anything scandalous on here. For once, this blog post isn’t about marriage!
I mentioned in my previous post how I feel like I’ve been on some kind of emotional rollercoaster. I’m not someone who typically cries in life. When it comes to movies, yes, I will be a ball of mess every single time. Anything cute, adorable or sad happening in movies will make me feel things like as if they’re real. But when bad things happen in my real life, I do get upset, but it’s not often that I cry about it.
Recently however, that has all changed and I wanted to talk about it. A lot has happened in my life in the last 6 months, and I have no idea how time has flown so fast. After having a big old cry, I just felt numb.
And now time for some real talk. I’ve been in denial of my situation for months, and at the back of my mind I’m always thinking it’ll all work out. Something’s got to give. Everything will be fine. But the truth is, it won’t be. And because it’s easier to be in denial than face the truth, I’ve just buried my head in the sand. I don’t talk about it with anyone, I pretend that it’s all going well and things are looking up. I spend a lot of my time and energy pretending that there isn’t a problem. I’m using social media to paint a picture that tells the world and my followers that I’m having the time of my life. But in actual fact, little do they know how I really feel. They only see what I want them to see; a lie.
I’ve avoided talking to anyone about the difficulties that I’m having. Even those closest to me have been given the friendly version of the response to ‘how’s it going?’. Then all of a sudden the other day, I just felt overwhelmed and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was messaging a dear friend of mine who I don’t get to speak to very often and I just spilled. I don’t know what it was; maybe the genuine kindness and concern. I just told it as it is and the waterworks started. I am an ugly crier, so it’s probably for the best that it didn’t happen face to face.
I felt a sense of relief, but also a tiny bit of dread. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Or even start asking me if I’ve done this and that. Of course I have! I have tried everything and it still hasn’t changed anything. I just want them to either give me a solution that I haven’t already thought of, or just be silent and listen.
It’s an amazing feeling when you know you have some incredible friends (and family) who would do anything for you. They will help you out in whatever way you need. But I’m also a person who is too proud, or even ashamed, to ask for help. I haven’t relied on anyone for anything in my whole adult life, and it’s something I’ve always been really proud of. How can I start now? The thought of taking them up on their kind offers makes me feel sick to my stomach. But if I don’t, in some messed up way, it may mean the end of my dream of living in this big, wonderful city, and having to face the parents.
You’re probably reading this and thinking ‘woah, what could she possibly be talking about that would make her do the exact opposite of what she believes in and always goes on about?’ Well my friends… that is for me to know, and hopefully for no-one to ever find out.
Until then, I’ll simply smile and pretend it’s all going to be ok. I’ll just have to fake it ’till I make it.