Tag Archives: Emotional Rollercoaster

Fake it ’til you make it

The phrase ‘Fake it ’til you make it’ has never been more truer to me. I’ve been going through some turmoil for a while and I’m sad to inform you that I’m still going through it.

Uncertainty of the future makes everyone feel a little anxious or paranoid, but I think I’m at my peak. I’ve gone on about feeling lost, feeling pressured and especially about living up to expectations. But somehow in the past, I’ve soldiered on and found a way to get through it. But now, I’m truly at a loss. I’m out of ideas and I’m tired of hoping that things will get better. What if they won’t?

It’s hard to explain my situation without having to go into too much detail. With this being an anonymous blog, I’m wary of saying too much… what if someone I know reads it and figures out it’s me? I know that wouldn’t be the end of the world, and I also don’t talk about anything scandalous on here. For once, this blog post isn’t about marriage!

I mentioned in my previous post how I feel like I’ve been on some kind of emotional rollercoaster. I’m not someone who typically cries in life. When it comes to movies, yes, I will be a ball of mess every single time. Anything cute, adorable or sad happening in movies will make me feel things like as if they’re real. But when bad things happen in my real life, I do get upset, but it’s not often that I cry about it.

Recently however, that has all changed and I wanted to talk about it. A lot has happened in my life in the last 6 months, and I have no idea how time has flown so fast. After having a big old cry, I just felt numb.

And now time for some real talk. I’ve been in denial of my situation for months, and at the back of my mind I’m always thinking it’ll all work out. Something’s got to give. Everything will be fine. But the truth is, it won’t be. And because it’s easier to be in denial than face the truth, I’ve just buried my head in the sand. I don’t talk about it with anyone, I pretend that it’s all going well and things are looking up. I spend a lot of my time and energy pretending that there isn’t a problem. I’m using social media to paint a picture that tells the world and my followers that I’m having the time of my life. But in actual fact, little do they know how I really feel. They only see what I want them to see; a lie.

I’ve avoided talking to anyone about the difficulties that I’m having. Even those closest to me have been given the friendly version of the response to ‘how’s it going?’. Then all of a sudden the other day, I just felt overwhelmed and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was messaging a dear friend of mine who I don’t get to speak to very often and I just spilled. I don’t know what it was; maybe the genuine kindness and concern. I just told it as it is and the waterworks started. I am an ugly crier, so it’s probably for the best that it didn’t happen face to face.

I felt a sense of relief, but also a tiny bit of dread. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Or even start asking me if I’ve done this and that. Of course I have! I have tried everything and it still hasn’t changed anything. I just want them to either give me a solution that I haven’t already thought of, or just be silent and listen.

It’s an amazing feeling when you know you have some incredible friends (and family) who would do anything for you. They will help you out in whatever way you need. But I’m also a person who is too proud, or even ashamed, to ask for help. I haven’t relied on anyone for anything in my whole adult life, and it’s something I’ve always been really proud of. How can I start now? The thought of taking them up on their kind offers makes me feel sick to my stomach. But if I don’t, in some messed up way, it may mean the end of my dream of living in this big, wonderful city, and having to face the parents.

You’re probably reading this and thinking ‘woah, what could she possibly be talking about that would make her do the exact opposite of what she believes in and always goes on about?’ Well my friends… that is for me to know, and hopefully for no-one to ever find out.

Until then, I’ll simply smile and pretend it’s all going to be ok. I’ll just have to fake it ’till I make it.

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Emotional Rollercoaster

I feel like I’ve been going through an emotional rollercoaster recently, but his won’t be news to any of those who have been following my blog. I’m not usually very aware of how particular incidents or events have affected me, but it’s something that’s becoming more and more apparent to me.

In recent months, I’ve noticed just how easily I get emotional, whether that’s watching powerful or meaningful videos and movies, or reading a book. There was a point I had to stop reading, because I would connect to it in such a deep level that I couldn’t get myself out of that headspace for a very long time. Have you ever had that? Where you become obsessed with the characters and their lives?

I recently read a book which had this type of affect on me and I wanted to mention it here because I think it’s something that many of the followers of this blog can relate to. It’s a book called ‘Sofia Khan is NOT obliged’ by Ayisha Malik. It’s about the life of a single 30 year old Pakistani muslim girl who, like many of us, is constantly under that pressures of marriage from family and friends. Even though she’s not Bengali, I found it so relatable to my own life because of the cultural similarities. The culture may be different, but the pressure is the same.

It’s such a good read, at first I was able to read a chapter or two and get on with things, but then I was hooked and couldn’t put it down. 6 hours later, I had finished the whole book. I had laughed hysterically, and cried even more than I could have imagined. I don’t know if it’s because of how I’ve been feeling lately, but it really struck a chord with me. I won’t ruin the book for people who are going to read it, but one theme that was hugely evident throughout, was the incessant pestering of people who kept asking her when was she going to settle down and get married. It was even doing my head in and I wanted to reach out to those people and shake them to make them stop.

I’ve just got back from a well needed mini-break with my best friend. I’ve not been in a good place and this trip felt like it came at just the right time when I was about to crumble. I explored a new city, fell in love with it’s beauty, absorbed it’s culture and history and let go of all my worries for a few days. It was only the second day into my 4-day trip that I realised just how wound up and stressed out I had been. And although I knew this was what my soul needed, just before I went away, I had an encounter with my mum.

I’ve mentioned before how hard it is for me to talk to my parents about the topic of travelling. So when I called my mum to tell her I’m going away for a few days, she completely lost it. She went into me like this was her last opportunity to do so in her life. She brought up everything I’d ever done in my life that she disapproved of. How disappointing I am as a daughter. How she can’t show her face in the community because she’s too embarrassed that she has a single daughter who shows no sign of getting married anytime soon. She said I’m not young anymore, I can’t afford to be picky. She gave me a warning, and said that she is no longer going to care if my younger siblings end up getting married before me. In fact, she said she was going to encourage it. It was like as if she was doing this to spite me. She said my dad should have never let me leave home because then none of this would’ve been a problem. How things would’ve been better if I hadn’t had that taste of freedom…

It hurt, a lot. I wanted to shout back and say ‘do you even know what you’re talking about? You blind woman, can you not see anything past the ridiculous need to be pretentious and impress these people, who do not care about anyone but themselves?’. Does she even think about how I would’ve been feeling and what that may have led me to do? By moving away, I took back control of my sanity and developed the will to live a good life. I didn’t go down any dodgy paths or do anything that would’ve reflected badly on them and my upbringing…

But I stayed quiet, which spurred her on to continue with more. I cried silently, it was just painful to listen to. I kept thinking ‘why don’t I just hang up?’. But that would be asking for more trouble. I became numb. I didn’t sleep all night. I went on this holiday with a sad and heavy heart.

This is what my life is like. I know this pattern particularly well. The calm before the storm, the destruction and devastation. Then the task of picking up the pieces and putting things back to together with the hope that it won’t happen again. Or that next time I’ll be better prepared or at least have made some progress. But then it happens all over again, and a little piece of me gets lost in the sadness somewhere.

In my opinion, Sofia Khan in the book was very lucky to have parents who, despite being a pain and putting on the pressure, understood the importance of education and wanting their daughter to be happy. I don’t think my parents put happiness before pride and honour. Actually, I know they don’t. They aren’t evil people, but they are so blinded by culture and society, they don’t know what is more important anymore.

The old me would’ve shouted back to be heard, but the me now is staying quiet and waiting for the storm to blow over….until next time.

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