I started writing a post in May 2019, but then my life took a turn and I never finished it. So another year on, I want to pick it up again and give you a life update of some sort.
I’m sorry to anyone who’s been following my journey for a good couple of years and also to the few that reached out for an update – I didn’t mean to disappear this long. Time really does fly by, whether you’re having fun or not. I can’t believe my last post was nearly 2 years ago… what have I been doing?
Once I brought myself back from the deep, dark hole that I was in a couple of years ago, my life really did turn around. I was in a really bad place and I’d hit rock bottom. And I think I’m only able to talk about it comfortably now because I’m not there anymore (rock bottom, that is). Do you know the feeling of despair? To have no hope and be at a complete loss? I truly hope you don’t, because it really is the worst thing to experience in your life. I was feeling extremely sad and so alone, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it; I couldn’t see a way out.
I was really struggling work-wise and it wasn’t looking good. I feared I might even have to move back home, which for anyone who knows me, knows that’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I was filled with anxiety, I closed myself off from the world. But all of a sudden, I felt like someone threw me a lifeline out of nowhere. I managed to get myself a really good job, with an incredible boss and team. I started to feel respected and valued again and my self-esteem grew little by little. I honestly can’t begin to tell you how low my confidence was… I couldn’t believe how these people were hanging onto every piece of advice I gave or recommendations I made. It’s crazy how things can change in a blink of an eye. But it also made me appreciate things in my life so much more.
You get to a point in your life when you realise what’s really important to you, and it can hit you really hard in the feels. I don’t know if it’s just my age or what, but I’ve realised that I tend to draw more meaning from things I come across in my daily life now too. But my experience of hitting rock bottom allowed me to be more grateful for what I have, especially for the things I’d probably taken for granted before. I also became closer with my extended family. Life is funny like that; it takes a major life event to make us hold our loved ones closer.
As I was reading my old posts, I realised I’ve been talking about the same thing for years. Reading my post about insecurities from 2016 really surprised me. I don’t even remember writing all that, but I’m glad I did, because some things have certainly changed for the better and I’d really like to update you on that. I mentioned 4 main things – career, money, confidence and appearance.
Let me start off by saying that I am still not married. But this is mainly because I’ve been going through some things that pushed marriage right to the bottom of my priority list (as always). Although, I am also a couple of years older now, so it’s not a good look for me really… but here we are as some things never change. I do still want to get married, but I’m also incredibly freaked out about the whole process of looking for a partner. I don’t know if I can put myself through it.
However, I can happily tell you that my career is on the up and I am really content with where I am right now. The world may be falling apart around me (literally with the pandemic in full force), but my interesting and secure job is still in tact and I feel loved and valued by my work family (although I’m not so sure about my actual family…).
Money wise, alhamdulillah I am doing well now. It wasn’t looking good over the last few years because of my job being all over the place, but I’m in a really good place now. I might not have the money to even think about throwing a wedding, but I’m not struggling either. I’ve also been incredibly lucky to have gone on several amazing holidays where I was able to enjoy myself to the fullest without worrying about money at all. Oh how things have changed!
My confidence however is questionable… some days I feel like a strong, independent woman who has the world well in her grasp. But other days I feel pretty worthless. It’s just one of those things I have to continue to work on and it really can change daily.
But ultimately, the one thing that hasn’t changed is my feelings towards my appearance. My appearance has changed in the sense that I am certainly a bit older. But how has it been 4 years and I still haven’t done anything about this – especially how I feel about it anyway! I think I’m very good at ignoring the problem sometimes (read: most of the time). It’s easier to pretend you’re too busy, than to actually look the problem in the face. I know what I need to do, but I just don’t want to do it. Life is hard already, why would I make it harder for myself?
Sadly the world continues to move on whether you’re ready to do the same or not. My younger cousins are all steadily getting married off one by one, and as always, I am full of dread and anxiety thinking about what that means for me. But am I doing anything about it? The answer is a big fat NO.
So really and truly, have I made much progress since my last post…? No, not that much. Damn, other than feeling old as hell, I am still running away from responsibilities. Can’t I just remain in my content, oblivious bubble for a little bit longer?
You just wait until my mum is back on my case! She’s been too quiet, and too good to me, for far too long. We haven’t had any family drama in a while, so this news of another cousin getting married (who is 7 years younger than me) is about to kick things off nicely. Battle mode: ON.