Reflection… Things That Keep Me Up At Night

It’s been a long time since I’ve really struggled to fall asleep at night. I can usually occupy myself enough to the point where I tire myself out, but not tonight. I have one million and one things going round my head and I just can’t seem to settle.

It’s that time of year when people seem to reflect on their life over the past year, as well as think about the future. I feel restless and here are just some of the reasons why:

I get contacted by so many wonderful people via this blog and I absolutely love hearing from them. People from similar backgrounds as me, people who share my frustrations, as well as those who’ve unfortunately had it even worse than me. I am grateful to each and every one of these individuals who’ve impacted my life in such a positive way, they have no idea. There are times when I’ve questioned the path I’ve chosen, or feel sad about how some things have turned out. But these people have helped me realise how far I’ve come and often remind me what is important in life. I truly believe it is up to us to find the things that make us happy and if I can help others realise their potential in any way, then I will always try my best. But this does sometimes keep me up at night because I really want to help, but there isn’t always an instant solution.

With busy lifestyles, we can sometimes lose touch with people who are important to us. Over the holiday period, I usually try and get in touch with those I haven’t seen or spoken to in a while, which can be wonderful but also sad at the same time. Sometimes it’s a bit too late to repair a friendship which was once so prominent in your life, and other times, you feel disappointed in yourself for not making more of an effort. I recently came to realise how one-sided a friendship of mine was with someone I’ve known for over 15 years, and it hurt. I am one of those people who has always tried to be everyone’s friend, I can’t help it, it’s just who I am. So I’m used to being there for my friends no matter what. But when it came to me needing this particular friend, this wasn’t reciprocated. I know many people go through this in life, but I wear my heart on my sleeve so can’t pretend to be okay about it, especially as the other party is carrying on like nothing happened. This keeps me up at night. It’s one thing dealing with family drama, but it’s another thing when it comes to friends.

I’m at a particular stage in my career where my once dream job, no longer is a dream job. People tend to evaluate their job prospects and career around this time of year anyway, but for me, this started about a month or so earlier, so I’ve been in this awful, unfulfilled bubble for nearly 2 months now. The only solution is to look for other opportunities that can help me find fulfilment again, but it’s easier said than done. I’ve previously worked in recruitment, so you’d think this wouldn’t be an issue, but that’s not the case here. This keeps me up at night.

I feel like there’s a ticking clock dangling over my head. Spending this much time with family over the holiday puts me on high alert. So far, I’ve managed to escape any awkward conversations, but you know it’s going to happen at some point. The unspoken, lingering issue of marriage. I’ve heard via my siblings that I’m about to get a warning of some kind. I’ve spoken about the pressures of marriage and the issues around my imaginary wedding many times before, but even I’m getting annoyed at myself now. I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m now in my late 20s, so I’m no longer a ‘spring chicken’. I need to stop making excuses and face my fears, rather than pretend that this isn’t happening. I have many insecurities and the thought of putting myself out there and allowing others (who don’t know me) to point these out and judge me, just freaks me out. I have this internal battle with myself to sort it out and make plans to make a change in my life to get rid of my ‘flaws’. But then I wake up and it’s a new day and the pep talk the night before vanishes… until later.

I could list every single thing keeping me awake, but then I’ll never get to sleep. I know there are some simple solutions for a few of these problems, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I feel like just being Bengali turns these into bigger issues than they should be, which is basically the story of my life. Are there things that stress you out and keep you up at night?

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4 thoughts on “Reflection… Things That Keep Me Up At Night

  1. P says:

    Hii it’s P… As you know I’ve been following your blog for a while now… Again I did read everything with interest.. I’m so so sorry to hear about your friend.. It’s a tough thing to go through.. Unfortunately it’s all too common to hear such things. Don’t lose hope and be strong. You’re an amazing person who loves to help others and I know how much this means to you… I know you’re intelligent and strong enough and you will adapt very quickly to anything that comes your way…

    Sometimes it’s just good to just grit your teeth and get stuck in 🙂

  2. I completely agree with you. Standard issues are finding fulfilment with your career and social life but when your friends are Bengali and in their late 20s, this fulfilment is found in marriage and motherhood or so we’re told. You find you circle of friends gets smaller and you need this unknown pressure to conform.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Reading your blog brought tears and further frustration… Because this is pretty much exactly what my life is like and how I’m feeling. I could not sleep and felt extremely upset thinking about the things I have not achieved in my life and then I came across your blog. I look at images of childhood friends with their babies and happy lives… Reminds me of what my heart is yearning for but I don’t even know if I will even get there because of this ‘culture clash’. I believe I am the same age as you and as independent as you are but I had made the mistake of listening to my parents- I was living in London but came back to live with my parents in the Midlands almost 2yrs ago.

    There is so much I want to say but I have work in the morning and so really need to try and sleep. In a nutshell, all those things you have mentioned – marriage, finding the right man, career, travel, being a proper Muslim , culture gosh it’s a long list! Haunts me everyday!!! I am in tears most nights because of these pressures. Almost reaching 28 now and I know as much as I would love to avoid the situation a little longer I can’t. Oh how easy it would be to just disappear to a tropical island… I have been dodging my parents from the age of 16 and I am getting tired so tired but still do not have the courage to fight for my hapiness. All I care about is how I will make my family happy…

    I hope at this moment that you’re ok. I just want you to know despite our struggles it sounds like you have really lived life and fought for your happiness. You should be proud! You sound like a very intelligent young woman and will go far inShAllah. I know that it is nice to know I could relate to you but at the same time I would not wish this feeling upon anyone and it all just angers me. bangladeshis and their hypocritical/twisted way of thinking!

  4. […] been in a weird place for a while. In my previous post I mentioned some of the things that have been bothering me lately. But I wanted to talk about some […]

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